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2002-04-01 - 8:23 p.m.

Jeremy called today.

I swear that boy is going to give me an anurism or kill himself or both. I feel so bad for him, but i have no idea what to tell him. it's been months and he still hasnt told his mother that we broke up. that's how completely delusional he is. we went and sat by the campinalle and talked for an hour or so - he cried and cried and told me how much he loved me and how he would do anything to earn my trust and to get me back.

i told him exactly what i told him 3 months ago. he had years worth of chances to make things ok and he never took one while we were together and i saw no reason to give him yet another one. i simply don't love him. i feel horrible about how sad he is, but i know there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. i just can't see myself with him. ever. we are so different and he is so polar and i was always so angry when we were together. i hate myself as angry. i could never go through that again.

and even more, since i've been dating shane i've been so happy. this is what relationships are SUPPSOSED to be like. not heaps of one sided effort and unrequited mix tapes, as diana would say.

jeremy told me that taste compatability was shallow and superficial and that i wasn't giving him a chance to "prove himself" and that there were things about him he'd never been able to share with me. i wanted to punch him in the stomach. instead, i told him that if two people have absolutely nothing in common and that if (last year) i had to BEG him to go to shows and stuff with me and he still wouldn't than we weren't meant to be. you don't beg someone to share things you love... either you are similar or you aren't. you can't force that kind of thing.

god, augh. i hate all this bullshit. sometimes i wish he would just leave me alone. i feel so selfish and bitchy, but i honestly feel nothing for him. and i don't think i ever could again. being together for along time does NOT mean you are in love, it just means, in this case anyway, you never found something better. that sounds horrible. i don't know. i just don't know how else to say it. i don't know how to describe how i feel about him. i mean, i think i loved him at some point.... or else i desperately needed someone to love me and i didn't know the difference. something deep inside tells me it's the latter.

so yeah, i broke his heart again. but you know, it's not really my fault that the boy can't take a goddamn hint. i TOLD him. TOLD HIM 3 MONTHS AGO. AUGH. this is all so stupid. i told him that he really needed to let it go and that we were not getting back together and nothing he could do could convince me otherwise.

so he cried some more.

you know, it was ok though, because this was the first time he got all weepy and i didn't feel like crying too. i was such an ice queen. it made me sad at first that i didn't feel like crying too, but then i felt good about it... because that means that i have closure. and i feel ok with things. i've been ready to move on for so long, and for a while, i questioned that. no more.

it's all good, yo.

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