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2003-03-14 - 3:45 a.m.

i am having THE most frustrating day EVER.

i want to punch someone in the nose. seriously.

so i was all good and ready for a repeat performance of the casual booty persuasion - to no avail.

i have NO IDEA why i'm stressing out over this boy. what the fuck? i don't even like him. meredith and i confirmed that there was no possible relationship outcome from this, although jillian seems to think so (mainly because i was high and accidentally coupled the phrases "i don't want to date him" and "god, i wish i had a boyfriend").

and i do.

and that's sad, right?

i mean, girls aren't supposed to NEED boyfriends? are we? the whole pat situation has made me realize that maybe it is time for me to find a decent boy and at least try a relationship out. and although i wish this whole thing was not going to end up a one night stand situation (or do i?) i can't help but feel that it is the best solution.

I just wish i could find a boy - a decent boy - one who isn't crazy, is at least semi-cute, is funny, spontanious and prefferably a drummer. or any band member for that matter, i'm not picky, i just hear they have good rythym.

maybe i just need to get laid. i think i may have been teasing myself with last friday - a kind of appetizer to the main course of regular, habitual sex.

jillian suggested i find a boy to hook up with while i'm in texas (IF i get to go since emily apparently does not know how to use the phone). but seriously, recent activities aside, i am not that kind of girl. aside from last friday i've never had a one night stand. and it didn't really feel like one either is the sad thing. he was very sweet and seemed almost innocent about it all - like he'd never had a one night stand either.

and maybe that's all there is to it - maybe we were just each other's first one night stand and that's all there is to it. maybe that's why it felt so comfortable - because he'd only had sex with people that were girlfriends. or maybe all sex is that way.

i have no idea. i have no other non-relationship experiences to compare it to.

but it was good. and comfortable. and pleasurable. and nice. and sweet. and comfortable.

i really wish i could have done that again tonight. but it's probably for the best - i probably would have fallen in love with him and that would be a disaster.

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